My story

Dear Diary

You were the happiest thing that happen to me
You allow me to be free
And losing you would be my greatest fear
whenever I am with you my dear

What if we were not meant to be
Would you still fight to stay with me
What if my love for you fades away
Would you regain my senses or let me go my way

What if you meet your dream girl
Would I no longer be your precious pearl
What if those mistakes causes great pain
Would there be forgiveness again

Deluding in my own emotions
With samples and true life commotions
Tormented by my own thought
That I’m misjudging in my make believe court

Searching for answers I go around
But only in me it can be found
Wishing and praying for a closure
To end this miserable pressure

Please give me all the strength I need
To see the truth among the lies
Show me the path that may lead
To where it is right and nice

dear diary

only 1 week and i blew it.

I didnt know it was necessary and tot you wouldn mind but i was wrong. Im so remorseful now that im hopeless now. I believe that was the extreme factor for you to blow up not the main problem. Im really sorry for my mistake.

But do i really deserve this treatment?

Was it totally my mistake for this to happen?

Never have i tot that you would scold me and be that angry. Having you to blow your top at me jus shows how much of a gal i have been. Its the worst feeling to have and the last thing i wan is ur hatred…

In denial?

Am having mixed emotion. Sadness anger frustration missed anxious depress…

If we stayed on what are the likelihood that the same things or worst wont hapen again?

Communication is still the best solution with me and ‘Dont know is not i want’ if we dont straighten things out then we wont know like wat happen…

I cant do anyting but to carry on with life even if t means is the end. im still stuck with the same question.

Guess will never…

So wher will i find my source of motivation now? Its jusnot fair to me too…

can i say i miss u wak?

hope thats wat in u too..

kyliana

Dear Diary

It has almost comes to an end.

NO point getting regret and all.

I chose my way.

And of all i chose to be blinded by LOVE.

Im speechless to say if LOVE was a good or bad thing to happen to me.

Yet im pretty sure that ive loose some things and gain somethings.

I have lots of principle and believes went i comes to LOVE.

But im ashamed to said ive broken a few principle that i longed hold after getting in touch and being in LOVE.

Didn know that LOVE is something different went you are in it from see it.

Everyone has their story to tell from their feelings and experience.

But for me i dunno if i have a story to tell cos im still confuse if its LOVE to begin with.

Im neither here nor there.

I wish i could share these confusion and feelings that tormenting me.

ARGGH!!

It sucks to be a gal wen i come to emotion as its hard for them not be affected by it.

i sacrifise my time my energy and almost cos my frenship and school for this simplistic yet complex word call LOVE.

To think its rather stupid and insane that people do bizarre things like suicidal and depression becos of LOVE…

But thats jus the fact of life. and im one of the victim.

hais i dun wanna go on. i dun wanna hurt anyone.

ive hurt too much people that i love.

im jus demoralise but alot of things.

where’s my strength?

i jus feel like crying.

i wish i could cry and cry and cry until i dun wanna cry anymore.

by then i hope i would have gain back the strenght and confidence i once possess.

if only we could be just true bestfrens for long.myb love would be easier.

-kyliana-

_livestrong_

Dear Diary

Im no longer as strong as i was and alwas thought i am

no no no…

i cant be crying now…

The is this saying,

If you love someone you have to let them go if they come back means they belongs to you..

Cherish ever moment if you truly love them or they might just slip away and be gone forever before ou even notice them…

Hah… Ive done awful things.. Bad things that are against my principle and now i have to bare the consequences…

i felt cheap and he deserve someone better.

Someone who can pamper him and truly understands him and able to satisfy his every needs.

I thought i could be that someone.

But im no longer could become that someone…

I cant even become the someone i wan to be and even the someone ive always been.

Ive change for the worst for the word called emotion.

im jus ashamed of myself.

i cant even bare to see this disgusting face of mine.

ive hurt him too much.

Goodness Ya Allah pls help me!! Pls give me all the strenght that i nid.

Internal conflict between emotions and mental has drive my physical down and ive gone way too far beond my limits.

i wish he was here. BUt i cant trouble him and hurt him more…

Im such a cruel person.

I dont deserve the goods.

Loved him and cared for him too much that i have to let him go soon…

 am i torturing mself.

can i dont let him go?

But if i dont ill always depend on him and he will never be free and i will never learn.

I will never learn to appreaciate his presence until lose him i guess.. till then i will continue to hurt him and neglect his goodness and not accepting as he is and always expects more from him.

Ya Allah pls clear my crowded mind and thoughts and give me a way out through it. I believe sufferings is not the best solution.

What should i do?

I dunno…

What i do know if his angry at me i deserve it. I deserve it if he leaves me.

And wat i do know and im not shy to admit that I will always love him. He will always be in my heart and no other guy can ever replace him although he is not mine yet.

I wish he will be mine soon and forever but do i deserve him? And does he deserve to get me wen there are other better gals out there…

Gdboy pls dont let me go! i beg of u… pls dont let me slip away from you…

-livestrong-

-kyliana-

Dear Diary

Try to take a picture of love
Didnt think I miss him that much
I wanna fill this new frame
But its empty

Try to write a letter in ink
It’s been getting better I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty

Maybe we tryin
Trying too hard
Maybe we’re torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our heart
We’re empty

The song that i used to listen everyday sung by my all time favourite singer, Kyle Patrick from a band called Click 5 is now handcuff in my rythm of thoughts.

Tried my best to stay upbeat with the rythme of the song playin but I cant lie to myself when the music box is gone and its empty..

Tormented with thoughts of guilt and words of expression of emotions that from the bird eyes view is nothing but a common misunderstanding occurs among natural humanitarian but in an upclose zoom were the fallen pieces  shattered which can be fixed back into a preciously sensitive mechanism called heart.

What causes this uncertainty to stop by and influence the heart and mind effectively?

Could it be a sense of jealousy or lack of attentivity?

Ending it will never be a choice for the solution for a vowed had been made and principles are the guidance.

But how can the misery be released and the case is closed.

Who is this test being given to? Who has to suffer in unfairness??

My determination to make it work has drastically depleted the other parts of me.

How long more cn i stand?

-livestrong-

-kyliana-